Internal Perceptions, External Apperances
by Mirror and Image
Summary: [Complete]Another introspective, this time of Tifa, Cloud, and Aeris and their ohsointeresting polygon. Set at the end of the game. Rated for Cloud's language.
1. Tifa

**Internal Perception, External Apperances**  
By Mirror and Image

* * *

Red XIII once mentioned something called karma; that whatever you have done in the past will return to you in the future. I think that must have been what's happened to me.

My greatest sin was not giving attention to one shy, bullied little boy because I was too absorbed in what was happening to me. Now the reverse is happening, and I deserve every minute of it.

I miss Aeris. She was my best friend. She was so giving, so loving, more so than I ever was. She had this innate ability to see right through you, to your inner spirit. I think she knew all of my secrets within the first five minutes of our auspicious meeting. But it wasn't a menacing knowledge; quiet the contrary, you always felt relieved when Aeris was watching you with her knowing eyes. There was a maturity in her, a depth of centuries it felt like, and she was always willing to share it with you, even if you were never quite ready for it.

We had a pact, she and I; an unspoken pact that whomever Cloud chose, the other would gladly step aside. Honestly, Cloud's already chosen, and chosen her. I knew that a long time ago, and in spite of contrary belief, I'm okay with it. You see, if you love someone, you want them to be happy first. Cloud is, was, happy with Aeris, and I wouldn't presume to intrude upon that. Besides, it's _Aeris_, if he had to pick anyone, I'm glad he picked her. She can heal him, can lift him up in ways that I can't.

I remember when we met; she had come to rescue me from Don Corneo, and had somehow managed to convince _Cloud_ to dress as a girl to do it. That conversation was so laden with double meaning and implications. When she said she came "with" Cloud, I was so disappointed, but she had me figured out in a second and immediately started to reassure me, even as I steadfastly denied my feelings for Cloud. I didn't think I was ready for them yet, and I knew Cloud certainly wasn't, so I wanted to protect him.

That is the big difference between her and I. I want to protect Cloud, she wants to love Cloud. I saw it in how they are together; she openly flirted with him, and laughed wonderfully when he squirmed. She was so open, about everything, and yet at the same time so private. I think she talked to me more than anyone else aside from Cloud, and I still don't know how she and her mother managed to avoid the Turks for as long as they did. There were times, late at night when she was particularly tired, where her entire frame would drift off and she sagged under her own weight. Her mind was so far away in those moments, and when she "came back," she would have some new piece of news or revelations. I think those were the times she was speaking to the Planet.

I can't even imagine what that must have been like, to have so many voices flittering back and forth in your head. How could she stand it and still be so... happy?

But that was Aeris. In spite of everything around her, she was always so happy. All I can ever be is cheerful, optimistic. That doesn't always mean that I believe in it, or that I can't be just as forlorn as everyone else. But not Aeris.

I think that's what attracted Cloud to her. A man so desperate, so lost, so alone, could find hope, happiness, and love in her. Their love could save each other. It sounds so stupidly cliché when I say that, but that's what I see.

I do love him, more than anything. But he doesn't see me anymore. It hurts, I won't deny that, it hurts strongly, but I can bear it because I know that he was happy with her. Besides, we're still best friends, and I get a lot of satisfaction in that. We have a really good relationship as it is now; and while I know that someday I will tell him I love him, for now I'm afraid, because I don't want to lose what I have.

... That's my fundamental problem. I'm a creature of fear. I don't want to lose anymore people; not my mother, not my father, not my town, not Cloud. I'm too scared of loss, of what the repercussions would be if I made such a drastic statement. Tack onto this the uncertainty of Cloud's mental state - which in and of itself caused intense terror in me, so much so there were times I couldn't speak - and I found myself locked in stillness. And so, for now, I'll keep quiet.

Cloud says he's beginning to understand; the Lifestream, the Promised Land. He says he can find her there, Aeris. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, a healthy thing. But, at the same time, I want to see her too. I want her to smile knowingly at me and then deliberately pair me with Cloud somehow; to giggle and try and train with me even though her strength is horribly weak; to turn around and beat me soundly in a magic competition; to share a tent with me and talk until dawn; to do all the things that we love about her.

Her presence continues to heal us, even when she's gone. Cloud managed to pull himself together in the Lifestream, and I have more faith than ever in him. I no longer doubt him, and I can feel, in small pieces, that I doubt myself less and less. Cloud has avenged her, and has some gratification in that. I don't think he can forgive himself for her death. That will stay with him for a while, but I'll stand by him like I always do.

The time will come that he will move on, and forgive himself. I'll do my best to help him through that. Maybe when that's all over, I can let him know I love him.

In the Highwind, we watch as Holy and Lifestream race to Meteor, and next to me, I see a cherished friend in pink, her hands clasped in tight prayer.

Go to Part 2


	2. Cloud

0

I just saw her, I just saw Aeris.

She reached out her hand, offering it to me, and I reached back, shocked to see her and thrilled at the same time. There was so much I wanted to tell her. She tickled my fingers with hers, and smiled. "You're not ready for the Promised Land. Not yet."

And suddenly I was back in my body, earth crumbling around me, Tifa reaching out to me and then falling. Without even thinking I caught her and grabbed a convenient ledge. It's all in the back of my mind, because all I can comprehend right now is that I've seen Aeris.

I think I'm beginning to understand how it works, how you get to the Promised Land. I want to go there and talk to her. Tell her I'm sorry; I'm so, so sorry that I killed her. It's my fault she's gone. I was so weak that I let Sephiroth manipulate me, let the Jenova cells in my body betray me. Then, to make it even worse, I just _stood there_ as Sephiroth murdered her. He didn't even _care_, he just _smirked_, like it was some kind of game, like it was funny that he'd caused us, caused me, so much pain.

I want to ask her if she could ever find it in herself to forgive me for such a sin. She's always forgiven me for everything else; but this one is the biggest yet, the one irrevocable wrong and so disgustingly personal, I don't think even someone like Aeris could forgive me.

It's all on my shoulders, no one else's. It makes me feel so lonely. I'm all alone in this guilt. It's not something I can share with the others. Even Tifa, though she tries her hardest to shoulder the burden with me.

The one person who's stood by me the most is Tifa; she's done nothing but support in me. Even when Sephiroth was trying to convince me that I was his failed clone, she persisted in telling me that I was myself, even when she doubted. She's always looking at me, worried about what I'm thinking or how I'm doing. I've never seen anyone who was so convinced that sleep was the ticket to health. Honestly, I think I would have missed the final battle if I listened to her. She's always putting food in front of me, or a cloak, or a joke, or a friendly ear. She hovers constantly, never leaving my line of sight.

Other people might be bothered by this, feel smothered or less independent. I find it kind of... nice. To know that someone is going to be there for me even after everything, at the end of every day, it feels good. She's home for me. Not Midgar, certainly not Nibelheim; wherever Tifa is, it's my home. The night I sent everyone away, to make sure of what they were fighting for, she was the only one who stayed. Secretly, I was really glad she did, I don't think I would have stayed sane if I was alone. But her words that night, they struck a cord with me; somewhere deep inside that I'm too afraid to look at yet.

You know, I still trying to impress her. I try to drink hard liquor - a laughable attempt, she sees right through me every time. I try to say something funny; try to be cool; try to be everything I'm not. The funny part is that she always scolds me when I do that, she doesn't want to see me impressing her, she wants to see _me_, just me, no fringes, no kick-ass swords, no attitude, just _me_. Insecure, unstable, socially inept and socially dependant, me.

Aeris was the same way. She didn't have to scold me, though, she just dove right through it and asked me some personal question, or comment that I was being cute, something that would completely startle and fluster me, leaving me blushing and stuttering and unsure how it had all happened. God, how I hated that. I don't like being caught off guard like that, and she did it repeatedly, but somehow it always made me smile.

There's a perfection to Aeris. She's deep, mature, together, and always so _happy_. She had no temper to speak of, always did the right thing (including sacrificing herself for humanity... that time I killed her...), and could always see the big picture _and_ all the little details. She was friendly, nice, polite; just perfect. It scared me at first. Perfect isn't normal, that I couldn't find a flaw in her made me wonder what was wrong with me? But now, as we watch Holy and the Lifestream save Planet from Meteor, I think I saw her as perfect because she was someone who transcended stupid little things like flaws. The Ancients, the Cetra, were so far above us, spiritually, that petty things like anger or hatred was beneath them. I don't think I'll ever be like that. I'm too fucked up. But to know someone like Aeris can exist... to know that people can attain that perfection, it gives me faith in the human race.

... And I killed her.

Damn it. I hate myself so much, I hate my weakness! I was just like this when I was a kid. Tifa would want me to join her group, or come to her room, or grant me any kind of attention, and I was so _scared_, so damn _shy_, I would find excuses to not go, to hide with her mother downstairs. I wanted to be near Tifa, she was such a wonderful girl, so nice to everybody, so polite; but at the same time I was petrified that I would do something to ruin it, that I would make her sad or angry. I was so scared of her rejection because I already rejected myself. The other kids in town hated me. I was the only one with blonde hair and blue eyes, so I must have been some kind of freak. It was true; I was a freak because I was too much of a baby to talk to a girl as nice as Tifa. We had nothing in common anyway, I rationalized, and besides, she always hung out with those _stupid jerks_, Johnny and the others. They were the ones to beat me the most because the freak dared to try to be close to Tifa. I hated them so much, I started to think I was above them, that I was better than everyone and they were either too stupid to know it or too scared to admit it.

That was when Tifa's mother died, and suddenly we did have something in common: loss. That was the first time I entered her room, I felt I had the right to. I wonder what Aeris would say to all this. She would probably laugh in those bell tones of hers and tell me I always had the right.

I was too shy to talk to her, too nervous to stop her, and too weak to save her. I tried so hard to pull her back up and onto the bridge, but I was so damn scrawny, there was no leverage, not even brute strength to do it. Tifa tried to help, to swing her legs up. She stared into my eyes so intensely at that moment, I saw the ruby under the brown, and for the first time I felt like she saw me. That was when we fell, and that was when _she_ saved _me_.

...Aeris and Tifa are always saving me, always looking out for me. I want to be the one to look out for them, to save them, and look what happens. Tifa is still saving me, god knows why, and Aeris is _dead_. I _killed_ her.

Tifa's father was more than happy to blame me, and I was more than happy to let him, because it was true. Tifa was hurt because I wasn't strong enough to save her. I would never be strong enough. That's when I started thinking about Sephiroth, the hero general of the papers, about Shin-Ra, about SOLDIER.

My weakness caused me to try and fail to join SOLDIER, the burning of Nibelheim to the ground, the deaths of my mother and Tifa's father, the death of Zack, my one and only friend from those years, the birth of Sephiroth's plan to destroy the Planet, countless deaths in Midgar, the destruction of Mideel, and god only knows what else. It was all me, because I was weak. I am weak, still, even after all of this.

Aeris is dead because of me. I can't ask for her forgiveness. I don't deserve it.

I don't deserve Tifa's forgiveness either, not after everything I put her through.

"Cloud?" I look at the ruby eyes, so concerned over me.

"I think I just saw Aeris." She's whispering, not quite believing what she's saying.

Aeris... I can't ask for her forgiveness, but I can tell her that I'm sorry.

Until then, everything else has to wait.

Go to Part 3


	3. Aeris

**Part 3**

* * *

"You're not ready for the Promised Land. Not yet."

Oh, Cloud, you're always trying so hard to be something you're not. Now you're finally yourself, you need to stay that way; not come with me to the Promised Land. There's too much for you to still do. There's too much for _me_ to still do, but all of my work is on this side of Lifestream.

I'm so proud of you, that you purged Sephiroth from your mind, purifying the Jenova cells in your body and merging them with yourself. Only someone like you could do that. Any lesser man would have died. In doing this, you not only sent Sephiroth to the Lifestream, you freed Zack from your body, and now there is no one else in your mind; only you.

Of all the great misunderstood people in this war, you can now be understood. Sephiroth is now in a place where he can be not only understood, but healed. Zack can now help you in other ways, the same way I can.

But I have other things to do. Holy is now released, but the only person who can direct Lifestream is a Cetra: myself. That is why I had to "perish." In doing so, I sent my wish to Holy, and now I can send Lifestream to help. It is a beautiful sight to watch, absolutely stunning. There is so much light and elegance in what is happening.

I think Tifa can see me. She's looking at me like she's seeing a ghost. I wonder what she's thinking. Probably that I'm here to see Cloud.

Of all the things I've seen walking as a Cetra with humans; I think love is what I like most. There are so many kinds! I love watching children's faces light up when I sell them a flower for a gil. I love seeing Barret with Marlene, Red XIII with his grandfather. Cid and Shera are hilarious. The love Cait Sith, Reeve, has for his city and it's wellbeing is absolutely touching, watching Vincent reminisce about his beloved Lucrecia is heartwarming. Even Yuffie's love of material generates a warm feeling in my heart.

Tifa once asked me how I could always be so happy. My reply was how I could not? There were so many good things that happened on this journey, so many people that we met, so many memories that we made. All I had to do when I became sad or uncertain was reflect on this and my spirit would heat up with happiness. Her love and Cloud's are perhaps the most beautiful, which is why I always kept close to them. Eliciting a blush and a stutter from Cloud, watching Tifa suddenly become shy when I threw her to him, it gave me a special high that I only received from them.

They are both so special, and the irony is that neither of them knows it. Look at Tifa, for example. Where I am a being of happiness, she is a being of love. Everything she does speaks to it. Her looking after Cloud, her sensitivity to Vincent, her caring for Marlene, her acceptance of Cait Sith are all evidence of her love. After traveling with her, I don't think there is a single person in the world that she hates. No, that's not true; she hates Sephiroth, but that is a hate that won't last long. Tifa will come to understand how sick Jenova's son was, and will in the end pity him.

Cloud by contrast is someone who takes nothing for granted. He cherishes everything around him because he understands better than anyone that everything can easily be taken away. He's really matured over this war, and now I no longer see Zack in him, I see the resemblance to Zack. Zack also took nothing for granted, but Cloud differs in that he will openly show how grateful he is. That little trait was the one thing that reminded me that I wasn't looking at my raven haired lover, but at someone who strongly resembled him.

I think Cloud was drawn to me because Zack was inside him. Zack saw me and did everything he could to have Cloud near me so that he in turn could be near me. But at the same time he did what he could to keep himself separate and not cloud Cloud's thoughts too much.

Everyone was so sad when I died. I knew that was going to happen; I tried my best to prevent it. Cloud's pain was so raw that I felt my heart being stabbed. I love Cloud, I love his innocence, and to see it be ripped at so viciously made me sick. I wanted so badly to hold him, tell him that it was alright, that I was still traveling with them, only in a different form. But he couldn't see me, couldn't hear me. None of them could. My death caused such psychological trauma that the Jenova cells in him awakened to Sephiroth's control, and he handed the Black Materia to him. It was the one and only time in my life where I second guessed my decision. Was saving the Planet really worth it if I caused this much pain to people that I've grown to love in my own way?

Tifa's pain was just as bad. When she believed that Cloud had died and was in mourning, I almost didn't survive. My internal mantra of happy memories was tainted with all the pain that I'd caused, at a time no less critical, because I was still sending my wish to Holy.

But you see, this is where faith asserts itself. Tifa, the being of love, and Cloud, the being who took nothing for granted, entered Lifestream, and there I, the being of spirit, was able to help. All of love that generated from that experience not only revitalized Cloud and Tifa, but filled me with a Cloud-Tifa high that I've never experienced. It was they who gave me the strength to finish sending my wish to Holy. I want to be able to tell them that they helped me save the Planet.

I'm so proud of them.

... It did not turn into a perfect happy ending. My time of despair was received by Holy, and the negative feelings of humans did reach it. Midgar and the Planet were saved, many souls reentered Lifestream to give the Planet the strength it had lost from the very humans it had received, but pain still existed. The Promised Land did not grace the Planet with her presence.

But that may be for the best. One cannot know supreme happiness without knowing supreme pain. People have to work through the pain first before they can feel happiness. Cloud and Tifa haven't worked past their pain. Cloud still blames himself for my death, Tifa is still too scared of change to tell Cloud her feelings. But you know, when the two of them work past it, they will become what they saw me as; a person who could be happy all the time. In the future they will brighten the lives of everyone they meet, make them for the better. They will do so much more good than I ever could. People would be drawn to me, there was no question of that, but many people did not believe in me. That was something that hurt, and hurt deeply. Even mother, Elmyra, never quite understood me - even though she loved me like her own. After Zack, Cloud was the first to believe in me, to believe in what I represented: happiness after pain.

I'm not some sacrificial lamb, slaughtered to grant the gods' favor. The night I met Cloud, the night I saw the stars in the fireflies and the future in the fire, I knew. My death had nothing to do with gods, it had to do with Cloud and Zack. If he were ever to do the task that the Planet set out for him, he had to stop looking at me and start looking past me, to Tifa, to Sephiroth, to define his existence as a person, not through his proximity to me. He had to stop seeing me through Zack's eyes, and instead through his own.

Zack is standing beside me, that strong arm of his around my shoulders. "You were busy, Flower," he said lightly.

I smile. "I had to do something to keep myself busy."

He just grinned. Zack is a very talkative person, but in intimate moments like these, he doesn't need words. He presses near me, and his warmth fills me. Now I know why I loved playing with Cloud and Tifa, their love was exactly the same as mine and Zack's.

"He's not quite on his own feet yet, is he?"

I sigh as I looked at the man who held Zack's spirit. "That's probably because of me." In spite of Zack, Cloud was a special person to me. The more I got to know the real Cloud, the more I liked what I saw.

"More likely me," Zack replied. "I tried not to influence him, but you can only be stuck in a guy's head so long and not start mixing."

"I love him."

"So do I. Our kid turned out pretty good, didn't he?"

I smiled. "Yeah, he did."

**End**


End file.
